I don’t know how to begin.

For at least a couple years now I’ve been friends with this guy on Facebook.  He used to go to my college and was also on the cross country and track team like me.  We’d write on eachother’s walls sometimes, send random messages, see eachother at meets sometimes and talk a little, but nothing big.  BUT I guess I always knew that I thought he was pretty cool. That if I actually knew him better, he’d totally be somebody I’d be interested in.  But he was older, we didn’t talk that much, and I’ve attuned myself to not getting my hopes up.  I was also at a point where I liked someone on our current team a lot, but I knew nothing would ever happen with that. I was just a silly little girl.

So I guess slowly my correspondence with this alum guy increased to almost consistent, looking back at it.  Then, sometime in…February? actually maybe valentines day itself, we were both on facebook and started chatting. We talked for a long time.  He was so cool.  We were both watching a track meet on TV, discussing…..Actually, I’m only fairly sure this is accurate, because now it all blends together. All I know, is we talked some, he came to the Bill Nye talk here at school like  we’d hoped he’d be able to with some friend, and the whole time I mostly was just hoping he was there.  I admit to purposely mingling with some friends who happened to be near the exit of the gym in hopes of seeing him come out.  And he did. With one of the guys from the team.  I was like, oh, completely harmless to say hi, right? Plus, what the heck, what if he saw me see him and thinks I’m ignoring him if I don’t say hi?  So after a few repeats of his name, I got his attention. And we talked for several minutes. During which I did, by the way, manage to embarrass myself, but it was totally ok.  He was funny and friendly and sweet, and I was like, yep, I really hope something comes of this.  My roommate kept asking me about it slyly, but me being shy, I didn’t say much for awhile.  I did admit to my best friend though that night what I was thinking. She replied with a “6 years ain’t nothin’.” and “I wanna go to a wedding.”  To that I said, “yeah, 6 years isn’t bad, but uh, you’re moving a little–translate to a lot–fast on that second part there, Twin.”

But it went from there.  A few novel-length facebook messages later, we were talking on instant messenger for hours.  Every night. And it was good.  I stayed at school over winter and spring breaks. And we’d talk for hours. And it was good.  He was the clerk at our home track meet.  A few weeks earlier, he shyly asked if maybe I’d want to go out afte the meet.  Yes please.  Telling my “twin” that one made her jump across the lobby couch at me and hug me she was so happy.  I was pretty excited too. And nervous as hell. You see, that was my first real date ever.    But it was fine, as far as I know, and there were more afte that.  He’d come down to see me like every week.  It’s not a short drive. And he came to my conference track meet. Also not a short drive.  And I also embarrassed myself there, but, such is running, I guess.  That’s one thing I always felt so badly about.  I don’t have a car on campus, so there was no way I could go see  him. That wasn’t fair to him, and it bothered me, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

But apparently this liking eachother thing was mutual, and I was so happy.  Finally someone that I really liked liked me back, and it was him, so it was wonderful.  The entire thing was so unnerving and awkward for me, because everything was a first. First date, first time anyone ever even like, held my hand, or put their arm around me, or hugged me or…then the last time I saw him, kissed me.  It was all very stressful to me, to be completely honest, but still I was happy.

Then, the second week of spring term, I went on a rafting trip with omnibus. It was wierd to not be in contact with him for a couple days. But when I got back, it was ok.  Schedule didn’t work out to where he was able to come down to visit anymore at school, but we still talked every day.

As school ended, I was not excited to go home at all, even with the promise of coming back in 3 weeks to work on campus. The thing was that we didn’t have a working computer at home, and even less reliable internet, so how would I get to talk to him?  I tried to drive to town as much as possible in my mom’s van to the library to hook up my laptop to the internet so I could hopefully catch him online or send him a facebook message. That happened a couple times.  He really wasn’t talking to me much after awhile, which stressed me out, but I tried to reassure myself.  I came back to school and counseled a science camp we put on, and was sooo swamped almost literally 24/7 with that, but still managed to send him a couple messages.  I was real worried after the first one when he didn’t respond for days, but tried to feel better about it when he sent a short one that he’d just been busy with his summer class.  After the next message I sent, he didn’t reply.  He never got on instant messenger anymore, and he didn’t respond to wall posts. I see on updates his statuses, all these things that are going on in his life, that he would have previously told me excitedly. But not anymore. Everytime something happens, I want to tell him. For that split second, I still think, oh my gosh, I have to tell him this! But I can’t.  He doesn’t talk to me.

And he still doesn’t.  Just one short message to a youtube link, and like 3 texts.  In the past month.  I’m taking it as I should take a hint. Maybe he just doesn’t like me anymore, maybe he found someone else, maybe…idk what. I want so badly to send him a message, hoping it would kick start something, but I don’t want to be annoying.

There’s no pretending it doesn’t bother me. It does. I miss him, so much.  I don’t even get an explanation. What happened? What changed?  I just get…silence essentially.  I can’t stand it. I just want him back.

So now I’m sitting here at work, staring at the very place we first started talking after Bill Nye.  The stupid white pillar that’s always been there that I somehow managed to run into as I turned while talking to him, the very spot.  And now I don’t know what to do, because he’s not here, and he’s not online, and he’s not talking to me, and all I want is for him to.  Really, I want him to be here. Now, at any point in the day, anywhere I am, anything. I want us back.

This is stupid. I finally find someone I feel this way about, and he’s gone.  And I miss him so much.

No one I know knows I have this blog, but I still can’t help hoping he’ll stumble upon it somehow.

If you’re reading this, you know it’s you, Ray.  Talk to me?